So, like many in this country, I’ve been known to get a little wrapped up in reality TV. No not those housewife shows, nor do I care what the Kardashians are doing, but what I call middle of the road shows. For example, Breaking Amish (I’m curious about their culture), and Long Island Medium (hence the psychic). I really like the woman on this show. She’s a lot over the top with her big hair and nails and that obnoxious New York chatter but when she’s quiet and talks to people, there’s a sense of peace she evokes. I would love to run into her somewhere if I ever make it back to New York. However, I told my husband I would know she’s for real if the first person through is Fat Aunt Mary, yelling at her “I’M HOME!” and then followed by another woman saying, “That’s MY baby.” The second woman would be my mom but knowing Aunt Mary’s personality, I think she would try and take over, a lot like she did here in life in many ways. When I watch this show, I think of my mom a lot. I don’t really miss her like I thought I would. Well, initially I didn’t think I could live without her and not sure if I was able to handle life at all without her. But, I know this is not true. I think to myself a lot if I make her proud. Does she think I’m doing a good job with Alice? Does she think I’m doing what I should be doing with dad and handling things in the right way? I think sometimes I hear her laugh in my ear when dad does or says something dad-like. I know I’m sacrificing for dad right now but I hope she doesn’t think that I’m resentful in any way for this. I guess this is where some of our issues come up. Dad got mad yesterday saying I yell at my kid just like my mom. I really don’t like hearing that. I try my damnedest to not do or say some of the things my parents did or said to me as a kid. I know I get pissed. Who knew a four-year old could push a button so quickly? But, I am working on trying to make sure I raise a kid who is confident and compassionate at the same time. I am trying to take some of dad’s advice here when I get frustrated and try to just talk to her. Yes, I screw up as a parent and say things I shouldn’t. It also is frustrating when not only do you have to deal with a husband who has his own childhood issues being raised in an abusive environment but then my dad just gives in to her every whim. I try and step back and realize he is grandpa to her and she should have someone who does a little spoiling. I had Aunt Dixie but I don’t think she would let me get away with some of the shit Alice does (although she would let Alice get away with it I bet). So, when dad constantly calls her a good girl or tells her to be a good girl, I want to pull my hair out. I just thought maybe I should tell him that he wasted a lot of money sending me to college because all I learned in my undergrad degree is going down the toilet when he talks to her like that…. probably not a good idea and it would, as he says, “go in one ear and out the other.” No wonder this kid is running away when she doesn’t get her way, saying, “you’re bad” to me. Well, that just makes me feel like I won the fucking parent of the year award~ NOT! I almost would love to pay Alfie Kohn to come talk to him but I don’t think he would remember the information and even more so, he “wouldn’t give a shit.” (His new favorite phrase for everything). God help me that I make it through each day and try to remember to give thanks for the blessing I have. Yes, even though my family, regardless of whether they are here physically or not, are driving me nuts and pulling me in so many mental directions, I still love them all. I am thankful for these experiences…. now to go tap on some of these issues that have come up (that’s for a later post some other time).
September 30, 2012