So, it’s now 2013. I like the phrase that there are 365 pages of a new book to write. I doubt I will write everyday, seeing as it’s already the 2nd. I think back over the last week and a half and the whirlwind it’s been. I thought to myself a couple of weeks ago if my 4-year-old happened to know any Christmas songs. You know the ones that come so easily to us now….a little Elvis, a little Gene Autry (my fave), a little Burl Ives, etc…. Then one day from the other room, I hear her. It was like an angel was singing Jingle Bells to me. I love to hear her voice. Then a few days later I hear her singing Frosty the Snowman (of course she had watched it on DVR 3x by then). But, again, I love to hear her sing. Her voice is like velvet rubbing against my heart….there’s a softness and warmth that I get from her. So, in the same moment of time through this space continuum my heart is breaking. I look at Alice and thank God I am healthy and am here for her. In that same breath I see Carroll and my heart is literally breaking again. This pain is like no other pain. Until you’ve had someone die close to you, one can never imagine this physical hurt. Unfortunately, I have felt this quite a few times in the last 8 years. It started with my mom. No EKG would have shown what I felt but if that is what a heart attack feels like then I hope to never have a real one. The pain came back less than 2 years later when Fat Aunt Mary died. I think after that my heart just became a little tougher….at least until 3 days before Christmas. I know Carroll is sick. I know I have tried to offer help. I know I have been a good friend. But, I also know that my heart is breaking again. I am not ready to lose my friend. I was not ready to hear her words that she has limited time left. I have so much left to say but more important questions to ask. I want to know if she is scared, and if so, of what? Isn’t she afraid that Lilly, her little angel who is only 3, may not remember her or will feel lost without her. And, her husband, James, is she ok with him moving on in his life one day? Does she think her dad and grandparents will be there for her when she crosses over? Is she ready to meet Jesus? So, at the end of the day when I’ve wasted my time reading the political bullshit of the day and definitely not agreeing with the thoughts of others on that subject, I realize what has become of us as a nation is not as important as the people right next to us. It’s about the people that we see everyday and interact with…..treating them as Jesus would want us to. And, most important as Carroll has taught me the last 30 years….tell them you love them.
January 2, 2013