I know it sounds like a cliche. However, I am at a point in my life where I don’t really know who I am. I just posted to a friend that I’m having mid-life identity issues. So, I never changed my name when married because first I was 30, who the hell would ever call me Teresa Baker? Second, with work, I had worked my ass off to make my name known in LA, especially to doctors and colleagues so that I could get work. Well, now I’m here and I’m Teresa Stratz, and I hated that girl growing up. Damn, did I mention I have a lot of issues!!!! So, writing is like a door opening to my mind and things I have buried for a long time are surfacing and now I have to work on it.
January 30, 2013
So, with dad getting older, I realize that if something happens to him, I will be Teresa Stratz, but at the same time I don’t want to be a Stratz anymore. I also don’t want to be a Baker, and that is an Oprah story in itself! Do you have a minute???? Cary didn’t speak to his dad for 7 years before I met him. After we got married, some sister of his called stating he was dying and wanted to see Cary. I said, “Let’s go.” I warned Cary I was going to ask a lot of questions, which Cary flipped the f out about because he said that he would have been beat when he was younger for asking questions. So, away we went and an hour and a half later, Cary said I got more out of his dad in that time than he did in 34 years. But, in talking with him and with Cary’s mom, I realize Cary doesn’t even know where he came from. Cary didn’t know anything about his dad and he the family always joked how Phillip wasn’t even his real name, it was Charles. That makes me wonder if his last name is really Baker. His dad wanted to be head of the iron workers union in Chicago and be a part of the mob. I think he worked for some mob boss at some point in California and we think he may have even taken someone out. It’s all a little shady. It was Cary’s mother that told us about his heritage of his parents being Jewish. And that freaking family is NOT even an option. Cary barely speaks to his mother as it is. I’ve been the one to push and to deal with her psychotic bullshit. He doesn’t want anything to do with his 5 siblings (some of which aren’t Bakers anyway). So, with all of this….I’m feeling lost. I don’t even feel like I know who I am. If dad goes, I’m not consorting with those Stratz’ anymore and then I don’t know where I’ll belong. That was always my identity. I definitely don’t want my mom’s maiden name…..they’re nuts and I tend to ignore most of them now anyway or at least the ones I know.
So, I’m not really sure who I am or where I belong. Belonging is probably where my heart is and that sure isn’t here…….