It was 12:09 am….the phone rang. It’s never good when the phone rings that late. I saw it was Carroll. I didn’t want to believe it. I was hoping that she needed my help. Come get Lilly, can you come over, I need _________. No. It was her husband. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. Damn it. I didn’t get to _________________________ (insert one million things I wanted to say or do with her). I wanted to turn back time so fast. I just needed…………………………………..
I’m not ready to lose my friend.
I’m angry. I’m disappointed in our healthcare system. It really disgusts me that a doctor would allow someone so young to walk through their door and not educate them. How could they just suggest and inject the next end-all-be-all medication without any regard for what it was doing to someone’s body. Why aren’t they teaching people about nutrition? Educate them on GMOs. How many more people need to get cancer before society wakes up. Other countries don’t allow GMOs, why is America? It’s poison, free radicals, toxic trash people put in their bodies. How can these doctors live with themselves? It makes me more disgusted in Western medicine than ever. Should have I felt bad I couldn’t support the brain cancer walk? I feel bad that I wasn’t there WITH Carroll but no I don’t feel bad that I wasn’t willing to support a cause that promoted death.
I wasn’t ready to not have my friend around. I want her back.
It was funny when I talked to her mom later that morning. I felt such an emptiness. I think I was upset that we didn’t have time to go through the pictures she wanted for the book for her daughter. However, her mom reminded me that I needed to help finish that book. I told her I would and that I had been working on it the previous week. I told her I was sad Carroll didn’t get to see what I had done. She said, “Don’t worry, she did. She’s smiling down looking at it.” That somehow gave me comfort. And, yes for that little girl, I want her to have those pictures in the album her mother bought for her.
I’ve cried a lot of tears the past couple of days for my friend. I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad. So, even as I sit here now typing, I’m trying not to cry. But, I am remembering the good stuff….and the most important thing of all Carroll taught me….”I love you.” because you never know when you won’t have the chance to say it again.
Carroll….I watched the sunset on my drive home tonight. The sky was cloudy and the sun sank low just peering below the clouds. As the sun dropped the sky became this beautiful ray of blue and red with the lining of the clouds lit like fire. I just hope you were back there watching me, as I thought of you.