When I looked into her eyes last night and I asked her if she realized that sometimes she was the teacher and I was the student, she looked at me in surprise. I can’t believe how the events of this week have unfolded. I really want to be a good mom. I know it sounds cliché but I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t think I’ve been so angry before…at a million things….her whining, her screaming, a husband that isn’t present, a dad that forgets and just gives into her every whim, a house with hail damage, a garden not growing, etc, etc, etc…… But, this five year old deserves so much more. She deserves to have both parents being present and caring for her without a cacophony of sound echoing for the whole neighborhood to hear. I looked deep into those brown eyes and reminded myself over and over until I felt it and knew in my heart for it to be true, that the only thing that mattered is love. For this five year old has reminded me of what unconditional love truly is. No matter how upset I am or what I say, she comes back looking for affection, a hug or a kiss with a heart so pure. I have been working hard this week to remember her acts of unconditional love and acceptance of me as her mom. So, last night at 1:00am when I heard her in her room, I asked if she wanted to snuggle. My heart burst with happiness at her saying yes. One day, I know she’ll be too old to want to snuggle with her mom (even though secretly I hope that day never comes). No matter where my head goes, thinking I just can’t do this one more day, I will work on reminding myself that she has much more to teach me about who I want to be.
June 4, 2013