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My Story…….

So, Tuesday I am to sit with my Tribe and tell my story….. Oh and relate this to Winnie the Pooh, along with the Tao of Pooh

I have no idea where to start.  I have gone over in my head constructing a million ideas of how this will play out.  Is it to talk about those who influence me, my family, my friends, my parents, my husband, my child?  Is it about relationships that have failed or sent me on a journey of learning?  Is it to talk about a name….my name, who I am and where I come from?  Is it to talk about now, and who I am now and then go backwards? My answer is….I’m finding out right now! I also realize I am the only one judging this…my story.  It’s about me for God sakes.  I need to just let it be….. like the book my parents had made for me, “It’s All about Me.”  But, I won’t lie, I was feeling a little like Rabbit…anxious but wanting to fix the problem and get things done…right away!

There seems to be a lot of awakenings going on right now.  Thank you Louis Hay for all of your inspiration and those that follow in your footsteps.  I have had so many insights into who I am lately. So, maybe starting with the now and going backwards is the only way I see fit……in a Pooh sort of fashion.  Of course there is a lot of round-aboutness in this story too, like when Pooh and Piglet were looking for the Woozle.

Recently, one of the biggest growths I have had is after having a horrible fight with my husband, telling him I will work until I can get him first and last months rent so he can move on is only the start.  I realize in some of this that my frustration with him has to do with me….unfortunately, I’m coming to that age where changes are inevitable.  Unfortunately, for him, some of these changes include anger.  However, I am willing to work on my anger. I have come to realize that I judge those that had attachment issues when I should have been looking at my own attachment rather than judging theirs.  Even now married, I get irritated beyond belief when my husband says he can’t live without me.  WTH is that about? Oh yeah, I have my own abandonment issues.  I realized young that my mother shouldn’t have had kids at all due to her physical health and then there I was.  I was a kid of the 70s.  Mom worked and smoked throughout the entire pregnancy and well into my adulthood.  I think she quit twice but then went back to it, which ultimately aided in her death.  As a child, I inquisitively asked her about my birth.  She would tell me I came 5 weeks early, feet first, ready to go and learned to eat in the first 24 hours.  She said that I was tiny.  She would then say the words that left a scar on my heart, “I was tired. ” Almost too tired to give me what I needed and it’s visible in the pictures.  She would tell me she didn’t stay at the hospital the first week with me but came home so she could sleep.  She told me was ready to go back to work after 2 months.  I realize I catch myself when saying these words to Alice on occasion, “I’m tired.”   I swear I think this is why I have tried my hardest to do everything in my power to be the complete opposite of my mother.  I loved my pregnancy.  I was healthy and pretty happy.  I was working like mad so I wouldn’t have to work so hard when Alice came along.  I was able to spend so much time with her.  It was funny that I had been on a wait list for 6 months for a home daycare.  After the first week, Georgia asked me if I wasn’t happy with her or if something was wrong.  I told her it was me and that it was hard for me to let Alice go because my own mother did not have the ability to keep me at home and take care of me like I could with Alice.  Little did I realize then, it wasn’t the inability to stay home with me, it was that desire was lacking.  And so, maybe it wasn’t the physical ability I was afraid of not having….it was the emotional connection I so longed to have.  I wanted to be with my child, unlike I felt with my own mother.   And now, I’m starting to see the pain there…when I look in the mirror.  But, I’m feeling more equipped everyday to deal with it.

I think about the people in my life that influence me and the stories about our interactions that make up who I am.  I like to work and get my hands dirty just like my dad.  At four years old I remember climbing under the car with him.  Of course, his addictions were present then, asking me to make sure I brought him a beer.  I only recall a handful of times when he had way too much and probably should not have driven my mother and I home.  I remember the feeling of being scared in the backseat and feeling helpless that I couldn’t make the situation any better.  Maybe that is how I found strength with Cary’s sister and was able to walk away when I saw her wasting her life to the alcohol.  I think back now and wonder if the alcohol was the only way my father could cope.  I see it’s how he copes with his pain.  I know he knows that I am trying my best but do not always have the ability to care for all of his needs, including his dental at the moment.  I have a little struggle at times when I feel like I can’t get him to the doctor he needs and have to send him alone.  Then of course there is that guilt.  The guilt that my mother asked me before she died to make sure that I helped take care of him.  I am trying AND doing the best I can.  I do ask my dad if he realizes how hard I work at this.  He tells me does and I believe him.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents were older in a slightly post-hippie generation but I know they loved me (although I look back now and can see the dysfunction).  They made sure I was clothed and fed.  I was taken care of while they worked.  They made sure I was well educated.  They gave me a special gift of a vacation every year traveling the country in whatever car my father fixed (my favorite was the 1969 Buick station wagon).  I learned during these adventures of so many wonderful places in the United States.  It was 1981, I was given the gift of going to California. My mother waited until the year I turned 10 and off we went.  It was the excitement of Disneyland and the peacefulness of Muir Woods that captured part of my DNA.   I’m thankful for all of these memories and more importantly of the new memories I make there now.  Who knew how important California would really be in my future and how strong that connection was to get me back there?  The irony is that I never wanted to live there.  I thought I would end up on the East Coast, like North Carolina.  I thought California was a wild and crazy place and don’t forget the earthquakes!!  but somehow but in 1996, life threw a curveball and I caught it.  I packed up my belongings, quit my job and went out there to live.  I didn’t last long, a few months, as that relationship followed me needed to end, and I called my dad begging to come pick me up.  He refused and told me that if I got out there, I could find a way home.  I did…..but, California called again.  3 weeks later, I was back in Los Angeles.  It’s funny how history has a way of repeating itself.  I realized then my parents were full of “stories” I didn’t know.  I learned during this time that my dad had lived in Pasadena (and not the Texas one with Gilley’s famous bar!).  Apparently, my mother showed up in his truck one day and he followed her back to Texas.  But somehow I was determined to make it…whatever that means.  I did it.  I said goodbye once and for all to that boy and began to live.  I fell into some “rough crowds” along the way but kept finding my way out of that craziness and into a small group of friends that are like my family.  I started my own business and I spent every moment I could at the beach.  I was called to the water to dig my feet in the sand and never took for granted any moment I had there.  I was thankful for having a husband that knew some days I just needed to take that drive over Topanga Canyon and see the water.  It didn’t matter the weather, as I would roll the window down and breathe in the salty air and let the wind brush hard against my face.  When it was time to leave, it was devastating to say goodbye.  I visited old pains upon arriving back in Texas.  My past slapped me in the face and I knew that if I didn’t swim fast, I was going to sink and there would be no return this time.  It was hard to see old patterns and feelings of complete helplessness come back.  I had not seen that much sadness in a long time.  But, this time I was stronger because I knew it was the situation.  It was during this time I found Rachael.  I know she knows how great I think she is but really she saved me.  She is my Christopher Robin.  She gave me some amazing tools to help me help myself, when for so long I was letting others fix me.

Then there are the countless aunts and uncles.  Of course life would not be the same without Aunt Dixie and Aunt Mary.  They were sisters that didn’t even speak.  It was an adult before I realized that Aunt Mary would come to Texas for some functions and special occasions but then Aunt Dixie wouldn’t be around.  However, Aunt Dixie was there for so many other things that had just as much meaning and she could create a frenzy in my life, like Piglet running to get away from the Heffalumps.  I was 16 years old before I even knew of some of my mother’s sisters and aunts.  By the time I was 19, I was feeling like I had missed out on so many amazing people.  They were funny, loving and they were MY family.  I loved almost every moment I have had with them.  I only hope that I’ve written enough for Alice to know how many wonderful memories I carry.  I want Alice to know them, even though they are not here anymore.  My family not being here has been a lesson all on it’s own.  I look at the ones that were so important and understand most of their purposes in my life.  It’s funny how many people have asked me how I cope with such sadness over losing so many people.  First of all, yes, it is sad in that moment I can not touch them or feel them.  But, sometimes if I listen close or just ask, I can see and hear.  I’m sad sometimes that they’re gone and I can not physically talk with them but I know one day I will see them all again.  As I tell people, I’m not afraid to die because when I do, it will be one big family reunion.

I think back on the other influences of my life, My Mamaw and Papaw, families I have stayed with after school while my parents were at work, two bosses that took me in and believed in me.   There were the relationships that although they didn’t last were fueled with passion and love and some arguing along the way.  Yes, my heart has been broken a few times but for the experiences that came with the broken hearts I would not change it for the world.  I can’t really say I want to go through that again but as it has helped me grow, then it was worth it.  I think back fondly on my time working with the Vets at the VA.  Those old guys taught me a lot during that time.  I was taught never be afraid to ask.  Listen to other people’s story and find out who they are, where they come from and sometimes I would ask just how did they survive their journeys and battles.  This took me on a journey of my own to a place called Acoma.  It is a beautiful Indian reservation 60 miles outside of Albuquerque.  I feel so at peace and with Spirit while standing atop the mesa.  I imagine this is how Christopher Robin feels when he is having a quiet moment with his favorite bear.  Or maybe that is how Pooh feels as the Uncarved Block.

I’m sure there are a million more things that could be added or said….but I like this version.

 

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Maybe I just don’t care….

it’s been almost 14 years since we’ve been married. Together 2 years before that. I just don’t know if I can’t anymore. I truly meant it when I said “I do.” I also meant it last month in counseling when asked if j could look at things differently, try and bite my tongue and see what he is trying to teach me. But, then there was today…..my tongue was sharp and he was quick to spew his hate for my father. I don’t understand why he can’t look at it like a blessing. He seems to blame everyone but himself. He is told the same thing over and over….listen to your wife and not all the other chatter going on but not today. He seethes with hatred. And the worst is the kid…..she shouldn’t have to deal with this. Why not just leave? How did things get complicated? 

I’m tired of trying the positive approach. I’m tired of trying to be grateful….for someone who I see him as thinking the world owes him for the shitty life he had and the fuck up his family was. 

I’m not sure where my head is. I think it’s time to let more physical things go and focus on me, which I thought I was doing but I guess not. Maybe I’m just existing. Maybe those lines between here and there are just that….time

Maybe in time he’ll find his way. I’m asking my angels to help me find mine. This may mean we don’t exist together. And that makes me sad……