When I looked into her eyes last night and I asked her if she realized that sometimes she was the teacher and I was the student, she looked at me in surprise. I can’t believe how the events of this week have unfolded. I really want to be a good mom. I know it sounds cliché but I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t think I’ve been so angry before…at a million things….her whining, her screaming, a husband that isn’t present, a dad that forgets and just gives into her every whim, a house with hail damage, a garden not growing, etc, etc, etc…… But, this five year old deserves so much more. She deserves to have both parents being present and caring for her without a cacophony of sound echoing for the whole neighborhood to hear. I looked deep into those brown eyes and reminded myself over and over until I felt it and knew in my heart for it to be true, that the only thing that mattered is love. For this five year old has reminded me of what unconditional love truly is. No matter how upset I am or what I say, she comes back looking for affection, a hug or a kiss with a heart so pure. I have been working hard this week to remember her acts of unconditional love and acceptance of me as her mom. So, last night at 1:00am when I heard her in her room, I asked if she wanted to snuggle. My heart burst with happiness at her saying yes. One day, I know she’ll be too old to want to snuggle with her mom (even though secretly I hope that day never comes). No matter where my head goes, thinking I just can’t do this one more day, I will work on reminding myself that she has much more to teach me about who I want to be.
Posts tagged ‘parenting’
So once again taking a stab at this blogging thing. As Alice’s mama, I can say the last four years have been CRAZY GOOD LOVE! It’s been a rollercoaster and I would like to say I’ve loved every minute of it but in all reality, some days I would like to have hid in a hole. I’ve been working on my parenting skills and doing some reading. It’s funny how 16 years of working with children with special needs and having a Masters degree in Education, more importantly Educational Psychology with an emphasis on Early Childhood Education doesn’t mean shit when you’re a parent. In all of my trials of parenting, I have fallen in love with another man’s words/print. I have to say Alfie Kohn is one amazing man. Even though there are days I like to tell you to shove your advice, I am so thankful for your book, Unconditional Parenting. Most importantly you have taught me that I am not a fuck up at parenting and that my child is not the only child in the world that has had a tantrum at one time or another, especially in public. At the same time, I have now been working on my “skeletons” that make me feel inadequate as a parent. But, at least I’m working on it rather than stuffing it all in, like some people in my family’s past. That past has to stay there now because physically all of those people are gone now and it’s up to Alice and I to make new decisions that will help our relationship stay strong. I just hope one day Alice looks back and thinks I did a good job or at least a hell of a lot better than the generations before her.